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Celebrity VIP Lounge

Celebrity Gossip Heard All Over The Web

Oprah to Lindsay: I OWN You!

So after a stint in rehab, Lindsay Lohan thought she would traipse around Europe for a few months and collect herself. Well, now that she has signed on to the dotted line with OWN (and Oprah), plans have changed. It seems that Oprah is making an executive decision on her latest acquisition and putting an 86 on the Strawberry Snortcake’s travel plans.

According to reports, after Winfrey heard about Lindsay’s intentions of traveling in Europe, she felt like a relapse was inevitable and so talked Lindsay into re-thinking her moves. In other words, Oprah told her: “I OWN you. You aren’t going anywhere!”

Since Lohan is set to star in her own reality series on the OWN network, Oprah could not risk Lohan relapsing and dying before the show is even shot, so who can blame her? If we were Oprah, we would have let Lindsay go and started filming during the rip. We’d love to see Lohan vomiting and snorting in stall #3 at various hours of the night. That’s ratings gold!

additional reporting: A. Neff King

2011 TCA Winter Press Tour -  OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network Cocktail Reception

Oprah Sinks to a New Lohan

It looks like OWN needs a bit of a bump in the ratings oprahand speaking of bumps, lumps, and chumps, Oprah’s fledgling network has called on the paparazzi’s #1 meal ticket to give her network a boost in the ratings.

When Lindsay Lohan gets out of jail and realizes how far Amanda Bynes has run with her CrackWhore title, she will need a new avenue for some PR, so here comes Oprah to save the day! The two will set down and Oprah will interview everyone’s favorite Strawberry Snortcake to find out what rehab was like and how she’s moving forward with her life.

And after that?

Oprah’s network is gonna follow this foolyun around long enough to shoot an 8-part documentary that shows how The Lohan plans to rebuild her career and her path to sobriety.

Excuse us while we snicker in the corner…

additional reporting: A. Neff King

Lindsay May Flee Betty Ford in 5,4,3,2…

Just like we reported Lindsaya few days ago (because we here at CelebrityVIPLounge are always abreast of the latest in Hollywood f*ckery), Lindsay Lohan may have her PRECIOUS taken from her.

That’s right, folks. When Lindsay checked into Betty Ford a week ago, she thought that she would be allowed certain toxins into her body, like ciggies and Addies. Well, now that Betty has checked her over and done their own evaluation that is not paid off by her ill-advised team, it has been decided that she doesn’t need it and therefore, she has been ordered to release the pills!!

So naturally, what Does The Strawberry Snortcake do? She’s demanding to be moved to another center that allows her legal crackery to flow continuously through her veins over the course of her stay. The problem with all of this is that this is not likely as her judge is probably not going to sign off on this.

Word of advice, Linds…

Suck it up!!!

Six Degrees of Charlie Sheen

So we already know that Lindsay Lohan is on lockdown in Betty Ford for at least another 80 more days, give or take. And before she even gets settled in good, she’s about to get some company she may be familiar with.

Enter celebrity rehab.

Enter six degrees of Charlie Sheen.brooke-mueller

Enter Brooke Mueller.

Brooke has lost her kids to her ex-husband’s other ex-husband, she has more convictions than a college fraternity, and has done more lines than an Olsen twin, but now she has been disgraced even further. Not only does she have to go to rehab, but she’s likely to be sharing a toilet with none other than The Strawberry Snortcake. That’s right, folks, Mueller and Lohan will be sharing the same wing of the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage.

Let’s see who stays cleanest the longest after they get out.

Who is your money on?!

Lindsay Lohan to Piers Morgan: The Re-Hash

OK, so now that Lindsay Lohan is in rehab again, she is feeling all melancholy and wants to relay the message that she, The Unhinged Ginge, is sorry sorry, OH SO SORRY.

In other wordspiers….

RE-HASH!

This time, she ran to Piers Morgan to cry, whine, and die a million deaths about her current position in life and forgive us, but we are not buying anything The Strawberry Snortcake has to say. But for those that do, here’s a snippet of f*ckery to appease you:

“I believe things happen for a reason,” she told him. “I live without regrets. There are certain things I have done, mistakes that I made, that I would change, but I don’t regret them at all, because I’ve learned from them. I got arrested for my first DUI when I was 20 and they found me with drugs. And from then on the press were on me all the time. It was the first time I’d taken drugs; I was out in a club with people I shouldn’t have been with, and took cocaine, and got in the car. It was so stupid.”

*yawn*

And what about her alleged cocaine use? Here’s a laugh:

“Maybe four or five times in my life. Everyone thinks I’ve done it so many times. I took it four times in a period from about the age of 20 to 23, and I got caught twice.”

Is this the new math?!

And who needs coke when you have the prescription equivalents at your beck and call?!

You’ll be laughing from now until she is released in about 86 days!

Tara Reid vs. Lindsay Lohan: From One Skank To Another….

Remember the days when Tara Reid was what Lindsay Lohan is to us now? Her nipple slip red carpet appearances, drunken interviews, and other examples of sheer f*ckery that entertained us until Lindsay Lohan too the crack baton and ran with it?

Well, Tara Reid remembers just enough to have thistreid8 to say about The UnHinged Ginge:

“We don’t really like each other that much,” Reid said … “If I get drunk, I’m a happy drunk. When she gets drunk, she’s just mean.”

Tara went on to explain that she cannot stand Lohan and the feeling is mutual. She added that the two run in the same circles and that sometimes poses a problem.

These two both live in Los Angeles. Surely there are enough dealers to go around?! And of course they cannot stand one another. You wouldn’t want to be reminded of the hot ass mess you used to be either!

additional reporting: A. Neff King

Lindsay’s BFF… Busted!

Lindsay Lohan cannot stay out of the news! It’s just impossible! Even when the story is not about her directly, somehow, some way, it is. Case in point? Vikram Chatwal, one of Lindsay’s party friends, was busted in Florida over the weekend carrying enough illegal drugs to make Elvis, Whitney, and Amy roll over in their graves.

vikram_chatwal_lindsay_lohan_affairAccording to reports, Chatwal was busted at Fort Lauderdale International Airport by the TSA. What the TSA found on him? Let us take a deep breath before we roll out the list: cocaine, buprenorphine (an opioid), clonazepam (a sedative), alprazolam (Xanax) and lorazepam (muscle relaxants), ketamine (a horse tranquilizer) and weed. The TSA found all of these drugs in his bag and in his crotch. What’s wrong with Chatwal? Doesn’t he know how to properly smuggle drugs? It’s all about the poop chute express, man!

Anyway, Chatwal admitted he illegally obtained everything and he is being charged. Chatwal was seen kissing (ie, swapping pills) with Hohan last year and they have been linked together since 2011. Maybe he should join Lindsay in the rehab clinic in a few weeks and air himself out!

Lindsay Lohan Is Threatening Our Ears With Another Album

lindsay_lohan_420-420x0

Because her first albums sold well and she definitely needs the money, Lindsay Lohan has made headlines now for saying that she plans to go back into the studios and record tracks for an upcoming music album. Now, the world can hear what vocal chords laced with prescription drugs, rails of blizzardry badness, crack pipe hits, and Jesus juice sounds like. If she was a soprano nearly ten years ago, then she’s probably a baritone these days, especially after all the cancer sticks she’s sucked down. But for her die-hard fans, fret not. In the current environment of AudioTune, Lohan has nothing to worry about. She’s going to sound as clear and pristine as…

Britney Spears.

So when is she going to be writing these potential crack hits? She definitely has plenty of emotional material to draw from. She could write about her run-ins with the law. She could write about Emma Stone being the new Lindsay Lohan and call it, ‘I’m The Lindsay, You’re the Emma!’ She could write a pop song about hot-boxing with Charlie Sheen. She could write a song about doing lines with her mother. The possibilities are endless!

Amanda Seyfried Receives The Ultimate Diss

amanda_seyfried

While Lindsay Lohan parties what’s left of her life away on another continent, a real actress is being mistaken for her in the United States. And somewhere, Emma Stone is breathing a sigh of relief that this time it is not her.

Amanda Seyfriend, who co-starred with Lindsay Lohan the last time she was relevant in Mean Girls, ran to her Twitter account to let everyone know about the ultimate diss she received after landing in New Jersey.

I just got mistaken for a Ms. Lohan at Newark Airport.

Now, we could go out on a limb and say they might have meant Lindsay’s mother Dina, but Amanda’s nostrils are nowhere near that broad and flared. For someone being slapped with a case of mistaken identity, Amanda sure took the flap well. There are no stars on the planet that want to be confused for The Strawberry Snortcake!

Save a Heaux: An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Strawberry Snortcake,

Finally, after years of near hits and gaping misses, you have finally…finally been ordered into forced rehab! How many times have we written these open letters to you and they fall on deaf ears? No more delays, cancellations, plea deals, for this was the plea deal. Will they hear you crying and kicking and screaming in the abyss you are about to be put away in?

Computer says no!

Let’s see the tale of the tape, now shall we? You plead no contest to giving false information to a policeman, no contest to reckless driving too. And everyone knows that pleading no contest basically means you are lying, you just don’t want to admit the fact that you are in fact, doing just that. And the cherry on top? You’ve violated your probation. Oh no, Hohan. This time….this time? You’re going on lockdown! And let’s not forget the 30 days of community service and 18 months of probation. Who’s willing to place bets now that she breaks the conditions of that as well? So I guess that means we won’t be seeing a sequel to ‘Liz and Dick’ any time soon?!

People-Lindsay-Lohan-3Aw, shucks!

Tina Fey Really Needs To Just Let It Go

Lindsay-Lohan-Tina-Fey-Main

Go as in Lindsay Lohan and the near decade that has gone by since La Strawberry Snortcake was young(er), youthful, fresh, and relevant. Because fast forward to now and that ginge has come unhinged. Tina Fey, who worked and has worked with the (alleged) actress several times, still keeps reminisicing about days that no one else can even remember. We’re too busy trying to figure out when Hohan’s next court date is. Our guess is?

Probably tomorrow!

Now, in an interview with Ladies’ Home Journal’s April issue, the Admission star says “beautiful, healthy Lindsay Lohan is the first thing that comes to mind when she thinks back on the beloved flick. A word of advice, Tina: delete, discard, deny! Once you start visiting her in jail in a few months, let’s see how you like those conjugal visits she’ll start trying to serve up to you? Did you forget that Lindsay is a part-time carpetmuncher? We almost did too!

Lindsay Lohan’s Case Is On The Fast Track

1339187215_lindsay-lohan-article

As Lindsay Lohan danced the night away clear across the country in New York, her new lawyer, Mark Heller, was having being verbally slapped left and right for his incompetence by the sitting judge on Friday.

Since Lohan replaced Holley, her case has not exactly made a turn for the better. And why should it? She still owes Holley hundreds of thousands of dollars, so now she is trying the cheap option and she might want to look in her attic for some lawyer coupons ASAP. Her new lawyer is reportedly not up to speed on California law, and his requests for a slow track for his client were denied. He should know that his client, The Strawberry Snortcake, is already on a slow track.

A slow track on a slow bus!

Heller also asked that certain evidence not be allowed in her upcoming trial, which was also denied. For those that can’t keep up with La Lohan’s many court appearances, this time Miss Unhinged Ginge is going to court for allegedly lying to cops. Will be the time that she finally spends more than five minutes in jail? It’s time for her to start abusing tax payer’s money in a different way!

Additional reporting: A. Neff King

Strawberry Snortcake vs. Pitbull: Lawsuit Settled

And the winner is…? Let’s put it like this. Someone won’t be able to feed their family a fresh plate of coke, benzos, and diet Adderall for a few months. Lindsay Lohan needs checks, folks. She needs them so badly that she is suing anyone that uses her name without her consent.

Well, if that’s the caselindsay_lohan_sues_pitbull, she needs to just sue the planet and hope at least one judge sides with her. Because I cannot even count the amount of times I have heard her name and the words ‘coke-slut’, ‘drugs’, ‘washed out’, ‘no career’ behind or after it. Therefore, Miss Lohan? See your gingery ass in court! But before she tries to take us to court, she has to lick her wounds from her latest loss. Her last legal target was none other than music star Pitbull, who mentions the former actress in verse from one of his songs. The judge ruled, quite simply, that he is well within his First Amendment rights to mention her in a song. A word of advice, Lindsay. If you want a check or two, try filing lawsuits against those plastic surgeons that make you look like a contender for the ‘Real Housewives of the 5th Ward’.

Lindsay Lohan’s Riding The Bus

But not just any bus, mind you. But with her latest tax woes, this is probably just some kind of an audition for a not too distant future. According to many sources, Lohan has hit the road crack, Jack. And with The Wanted’s Max George, no less! As the frontman continues to go back and forth between denying and confirming the claims I will read between the lines, hope Lindsay doesn’t try to snort them, and break it down.

Some say that Lohan tricked her way backstage and then forced Max’s hand. Others claim that the singer knew all along she was coming, and that’s how she ended up on a first class ride to Boston. Now, I will be the first to say that Lohan doesn’t deserve anything better than a short bus to take her anywhere. Hell, even Greyhound is too classy for her. But Strawberry Snortcake has finagled her way yet again into luxury as her bank account dwindles to the size of a coke nugget. So, when the tough gets going, the tough get to trickin’. Since Lindsay obviously cannot afford to buy vats of coke like she used to, what’s her next best option? Become a groupie to a rock star! Everyone say ‘rehab’ in 5,4,3,2….

Lohan to Barbara Walters: I’m Here To Discuss Dick

Team Lohan has pulled out of an exclusive interview with Barbara Walters because Lohan is not wanting to discuss her latest legal woes. She is not going there to discuss her mother’s latest episode of cray cray or her father’s recent battles with another as yet untitled addiction.

No.

Lohan only wants to discuss Dick.

Liz & Dick, that is.

And since the producers made it clear that they wanted to delve into the personal f*ckery that is all things Lohan, she was not buying it. So instead of going on the interview and then abruptly getting up and walking out, Lohan opted out entirely, and now Walters is scrambling for a way to make this latest fiasco go away.

Lohan’s new legal team (another one?) advised the cracktress not to discuss anything legal on the show, and so for once, Lindsay is listening to the help and keeping mum…for now.

Let’s see how long this lasts!