Dear Destiny Hope Cyrus,
You’re probably beyond saving but if you ever learned how to read in that double wide, let’s hope you read this. This open letter could save your life!
Snatching a page from poptarts before you like Britney, Christina, and Rihanna, you are the first white girl to incorporate twerkin’ into your verncaluar and into your videos. And WE should all cry for the art form now while we still can. Because once the pop singers (side-eye to you, Brit-Brit) start dancing like they’re on welfare, the trend has crossed over and is no longer underground. You may want us to believe so much in your ratched-ness that we’re all regurgitating with anticipation. What will trailer park trash with lots of Disney cash do next? All that’s left is a full beaver shot via Hustler. And that’s only because Playboy already denied your nether-region!
We’ll stay tuned, however, since you’re only 20 years old.
We see you, as your schizophrenic trickery continues to surprise some, but we are hip to your game… and it’s time to call you out. You jump on trends so quick the casual observer might forget where your true roots come from. And in case they have, let us remind.
The backwoods and Disney.
We’d rest our case there, but then your trickery does a significant detour. Because all of you, Trickelodeon and Disney stars, aspire to be the biggest quasi-sluts in Hollywood at least once in your so-called careers and you have been rampin’ up the trampin’ slowly but surely since you turned bittersweet sixteen.
Yeah, we saw you Miley, debuting your stripper ambitions a few years back as your Daddy sighed in the corner and your mama passed you an EPT from behind the curtains. And we knew then that the ho down was about to go down.
And we were right!
We saw you Miley, when you snatched a page from Rihanna’s handbook of famewhoredom and snapped photos of yourself smoking on something green and telling everyone it was salvia.
And now, you have gone even further with her antics. Because apparently, being a little rich white girl is not enough these days. No no no! You have higher aspirations than we have been giving you credit for. Smoking the green sugar live on stage, Miley?
Tsk tsk tsk.
Call us, Miley.
Help us help you.