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Celebrity VIP Lounge

Celebrity Gossip Heard All Over The Web

An Open Letter to Kim and Kanye

I remember those photos of you two leaving the restaurant the other day when K1 had a foul look on his face and K2 looked as if she was about to cry. Well, now I know why you both had such long faces.

There’s a baby in the oven. Or ass. Or wherever K2 plans on carrying your babything. Because Lord knows you are one of the few women out there that could birth an ass baby and have room to spare! This news is so fuxored I don’t even know where I should begin, but alas, I shall try.

First, Kanye, I’d like to slap you upside the face for basically quasi-legitimizing the Kardashian brand. Now that you’ve knocked her up, there’s no way of getting around it. You might have to wife the ho! And if your mother was still alive she’d be the first to tell you that no ho turns into a housewife. But not so fast! She’s gotta get officially divorced from her first second fake marriage before she can spread her gait down one with you.

And to Kim…
I’d like to congratulate you and your Fallopian tubes for finally making a way when there previously was no way. I guess someone finally let you in on a little secret: the sperm prefers the other tunnel! Your biological clock finally must be ticking loud enough for you to hear it over the flow of urine that has slapped you against the face for so many years. I called this pregnancy thousands of miles away. And astonishingly enough, I could tell from that distance you were in the family way, because you had that certain glow to you…

Or was it that Khroma bullshit you and your sisters peddle to any fool dumb enough to slather K-piss on themselves? Just when I thought you’d almost eeked out that 15th minute of fame, you brought your ASS game and proved me wrong. I will never underestimate that power of your nether-regions ever again.

Let’s see. Thrice married and barely in your thirties? At this rate, your ass and titties are gonna be counties away from your residential zip code in no time. And just like the last name you may or may not take soon…why don’t you head WEST, since that would lead you to the Pacific Ocean fairly quickly, where’d you’d inevitably drown. Whoops, my bad.

Silicone floats.

Triston – who has written 854 posts on Celebrity VIP Lounge.

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Comments (5)

  1. SammyJeaux

    OMG Sheer brilliance Triston!! My only prayer now is that the happy couple read this open letter and ponder on the folly of their ways.

  2. Gina Latina

    Oh Triston. That is pure poetry right there lol! That assbaby is gonna be one hairy, fugleh mofo.

  3. You did call it weeks ago Triston. This is an ever loving crying shame. These folks will never, ever go away.

  4. Letinstar

    Ewwww! Who’s baby is it? This is proof positive the future is doomed…every per soaked ho and dumbass mumble mouf will think it ok to breed…

  5. We might as well get used to it. For the next year or so we are going to get bombarded with internet daily quotes and tweets from Kim and Kanye about their baby and family. Let’s hope their romance is for real and not just a hollywood money front.