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Celebrity VIP Lounge

Celebrity Gossip Heard All Over The Web

Save a Heaux: An Open Letter to Joe Simpson

Dear Joe,

Now that you may or may not be coming out of the closet, here is some advice for you as you settle into queerdom in the twilight years of your life. And trust that you are indeed considered a Golden Grrrl in the gay community if you are over the age of 25. Your new look of highlighted blonde locks paired with fitted top and skinny jeans? Let’s just say that David Spade and Ellen DeGeneres don’t need any competition! This is not your best look, but you can afford a makeover with your wealth. So fret not, Joe! What you don’t have in youth, you can more than make up for in cold hard cash.

Since you are big on pimping out your daughters of questionable talent, then there is no reason for you not to do the same for yourself! Where’s that Advocate cover? Where’s that guest judge gig on RuPaul’s Drag Race? Where’s that cameo in the latest Ryan Murphy production? Surely Glee agrees with you?!

If you’re not coming out, then my advice would be to start calling around Hollywood now for a beard. You can afford one! These days, there’s a line a mile long outside of Ryan Seacrest Studios full of unemployed actresses as they wait for Julianna Hough to bite the dust. Before that ink gets dry, walk run down there and see who’s for lease. Or just save yourself some time and call up Kelly Preston and ask her which beards are available on the block now. Celebrities like to help out celebrities when they can, ya know.

And as for your Bible-thumping ways, Joe? Well, what are you going to do now? You can’t be a Scientologist, because there’s no such thing as homosexuality as far as they are concerned. As long as you repent for your sins (one would be Ashlee Simpson), you’ll be just fine.

Image via TMZ

Triston – who has written 854 posts on Celebrity VIP Lounge.


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