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Celebrity VIP Lounge

Celebrity Gossip Heard All Over The Web

An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Destiny Hope Cyrus,

You’re probably beyond saving but if you ever learned how to read in that double wide, let’s hope you read this. This open letter could save your life!

Snatching a page from poptarts before you like Britney, Christina, and Rihanna, you are the first white girl to incorporate twerkin’ into your verncaluar and into your videos. And WE should all cry for the art form now while we still can. Because once the pop singers (side-eye to you, Brit-Brit) start dancing like they’re on welfare, the trend has crossed over and is no longer underground. You may want us to believe so much in your ratched-ness that we’re all regurgitating with anticipation. What will trailer park trash with lots of Disney cash do next? All that’s left is a full beaver shot via Hustler. And that’s only because Playboy already denied your nether-region!

We’ll stay tuned, however, since you’re only 20 years old.

We see you, as your schizophrenic trickery continues to surprise some, but we are hip to your game… and it’s time to call you out. You jump on trends so quick the casual observer might forget where your true roots come from. And in case they have, let us remind.

The backwoods and Disney.

We’d rest our case there, but then your trickery does a significant detour. Because all of you, Trickelodeon and Disney stars, aspire to be the biggest quasi-sluts in Hollywood at least once in your so-called careers and you have been rampin’ up the trampin’ slowly but surely since you turned bittersweet sixteen.

Yeah, we saw you Miley, debuting your stripper ambitions a few years back as your Daddy sighed in the corner and your mama passed you an EPT from behind the curtains. And we knew then that the ho down was about to go down.

And we were right!

We saw you Miley, when you snatched a page from Rihanna’s handbook of famewhoredom and snapped photos of yourself smoking on something green and telling everyone it was salvia.

Salvia?

Whatevs.

And now, you have gone even further with her antics. Because apparently, being a little rich white girl is not enough these days. No no no! You have higher aspirations than we have been giving you credit for. Smoking the green sugar live on stage, Miley?

Tsk tsk tsk.

Call us, Miley.

Help us help you.

An Open Letter to Leah Remini

LeahRemini

Dear Leah,

You go girl! We’ve got your back!

Find Shelly, find her!

As you prepare to tell all about the Church of Scientology, their leader David Miscavige and the whereabouts of his wife Shelly, we know that Kirstie Alley is probably going to try and show on your front door and devour you…that Kelly Preston may pop up from some nearby bushes and throw her beard power at you…or that John Travolta break into your sauna and steal your masseur, but?

Be strong!

And last but certainly not least…

Stay ALIVE!

Because we know that Tom Cruise may be about to put a hit on your life Jack Reacher style for the tell-all book you’re set to release soon. Will you tell us the truth about whether or not the scenes in ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ hit a little closer to his home than he cares to admit? Will you let us know the truth about his (arranged) marriages? What will you say that won’t get you in hot water? And will you even care?!

At CelebrityVIP, we say go for the gold, spare not a one of these tricks and if push comes to shove…push those bastards down a flight of stairs ‘Showgirls’ style!

An Open Letter To Beyonce

beyonce-new-hairstyle_400x295_89

Dear Beyonce,

These last few months, you seriously have been trying way too damn hard. But the past week especially? You are in overdrive with your fallacy and fuckery!

Taking a bike to your own show? How cutting edge! How brave! How balleress and real of you! Loved those photos of you traipsing your ass across the BK bridge, but you Photoshopped your security guards and stylists out of said photos.

And now you’ve cut, or shall we say, snatched the weave out of your head for a ‘real’ homie girl pixie cut? How different, how unique, how real. This is the biggest news story of the day when there are wars being fought all around the world, children going hungry, and Kardashians raising children?!

Excuse us as we go and slow vom in the corner.

You may be fooling the French with your name that they erroneously assume is classy when Americans know that’s just a ghetto name that ‘hit’ (Yoshika and Tawakani in the hood weren’t so lucky!). You may be fooling the general public in more ways than you can count, but we know that one of these days, one of the potions that Kelly, Solange, Michelle, LeToya, LeTavia, and Farrah is brewing will finally work and you’re going down for the count.

Wait for it. Wait for it!

An Open Letter to Kim Kardashian

Dear Kim Kardashian:

Congratulations!

You’ve done it again!481108_370963593030774_547192529_n

Sending a bad message to your legion of fans. And although this magazine cover is allegedly not approved by you, where is your denial? Hmmm? Nowhere to be seen. Because in the world of all things Kardashian, any press is good press. So here’s some more, trick-a-licks! I don’t even know where to start sometimes with your triflin’ ass(es), but to save us all some time (and web storage space), let’s just cut to the chase, shall we?

First, you become famous by making and then selling a sex tape, which your mother pimps out, instantly making you famous for nothing more than your asses (and ‘liquid DNA’). And what happens next? Other girls with even less talent (and ass) begin releasing sex tapes by the truckload in the hopes that they too can grab a few dollars for themselves. And in this age of mediocrity that we presently live in it has worked for more than a fair share of these skuzzy skanks.

Job well done, Kim.

And the latest in your trifecta of fuckery? Because naming your child North West is definitely in the top 3, but I digress…

You go into hiding for a few weeks after giving birth to this future pimped out Hollywood ho stroll child, and then plop your ass onto the cover of the highest bidding magazine to let everyone know how you lost 50 pounds in 40 days. Now, some people out there may be applauding your ass(es) for recovering your only true prized possession so quickly, but we’re not one of those people. And why?

Because losing 50 pounds in 40 days is not only not healthy, it is yet again sending the wrong message to girls and young women that, for whatever reason, idolize your ass(es). Not only are you a vapid famewhore, but you are a buffoon of epic proportions to even come out with a statement like that. If anything, you should have just said you’ve lost weight and feel great, instead of putting numbers out there that any medical physician of merit would say is unhealthy. Now, we are all sure a bit of liposuction, Photoshop, and urine as a diuretic probably had a hand in all of this, but that’s besides the point. We’re calling you out on this one, Kimmy K and you have been warned!

Lady Gaga Is About To Rape Our Retinas Again

After lying low for a while healing her busted hip, Lady Gaga is set1522342_n_ImgG to assume her position as ‘Le Fame Whore Extrem’ (it’s classier in French, no?) starting with this year’s MTV Video Music Awards on August 25th. She’ll probably arrive on a golden unicorn and orange hair and buck nekkid dancers on each side of her. Whatever outre display she chooses, what people are really eagerly anticipating is the release of her new single. Still untitled, it will be on her fourth studio album ARTPOP, which will be dropping in the coming months.

So VIPers, are you ready for all things Gaga over the next year and half or would you like to have a bit more of a breather? We’re on the fence. Sure, she’s talented, but we can do without the shenanigans!

An Open Letter to Paula Deen

Dear Paula Deen: 1371986353_3459_paula-deen-cover

Once upon a time…

you had us at “butter”.

But no more!

So before you come back into the public arena in a few months, we have a few choice words for you before you return with your recipes for Reparations Rice, 40 Acres and a Mule casserole, and C.P.Tea….

How bright and loud your true colors shined when you fumbled and stumbled over your not one – but two – filmed (and heavily edited) apology statements. Your lawyers and managers couldn’t grease you through a door fast enough to hand you a list of insincere lines to read in an attempt to save your dynasty. They couldn’t trust you to speak from your heart, because they know how hard that organ is to reach considering the lard and butter encasing it. They were not going to take any chances, Paula D! Instead, they plopped your ass down, quickly grabbed and combed your salt and peppere wig, threw on an extra layer of make-up to try and conceal more than your liver spots, and positioned a microphone in front of your face.

But it’s what you said when the mic was in your face is the reason why you’ve got to go away – at least for a while. Because we are sure there are alot of white folks in the south that grew up in your era that make racist comments all the time. The difference is that they are usually not multi-millionaires off the backs of the very people they are insulting. Actually, maybe they are, but back to you, Miss Deen!

And because the word ‘nigger’ has fallen into this gray area the last decade or so, you will be back on TV before we can even miss your triflin’ ass, cooking up more food that clogs more holes than a Kardashian. You’ll disappear for six months and when you return, you’ll be 50 pounds lighter through a signed a contract probably signed with Jenny Craig. Then a reduced calorie cookbook for a wider audience, and then people will forget you ever made such racist remarks and possibly harbors racist thoughts as well. But in case you missed that week in school, we are here to remind you – the Confederacy LOST. Which means that no one is tolerating your racist rants just because you come “from a different time”. We know usually you can have your cakes and eat them too, but not this time. Not today!

So, we are sure your family tree forks just enough for you to understand how incidences like this work out in America. America will forget about most of this, you can resurface from your glamor trailer park in a few months. Some TV show from some network will finally decide that there’s still enough money to be made in investing in you and your empire will carry on. With the massive support that you will get from white supremacists for the next few months you hide away, we’re sure you’ll stay firmly in the black….so to speak. But right now, you are in exile until further notice! And we may forgive, but we most certainly will not forget!

An Open Letter to North West

Dear North West:

This is my first of will probably be many, many letters to you. Since you cannot read yet, have your mother hire someone to read this too you before it’s too late, because time is of the essence! Because for most people, this sounds like the name a pimp would give one of his girls that he got knocked up on the streets solely to prove that he can name his child whatever he wants and his girl must oblige. We never said your mama worked a corner, but, I digress….

My sincerest apologies for your tragic name. They didn’t even give you a middle name to use! Every other child in Hollywood has a name that is beyond reprehensible, but yours? This truly takes the cake. Why couldn’t your mama go with K*nt? That sounds not as tacky as you may think. Because you know what people at school are going to call you?

North Pole  (stripper career?)
compASS (if you take anything after your mother, you can BET on this one)

and I could go on, but since you are only a few days on, I will leave it at that for now. You might want to start learning how to crawl, then walk, then run as soon as possible, because your daddy is only going to be around for so long before you’re going to be in the klutches of Kardashians forever and a day. If you’re lucky, you can get your own reality series with Penelope and Mason!

Run North, run!!

Save a Heaux: An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

You know…

We’re all for letting a ho have her day, but YEARS, Miley?

And you’re barely legal?!

Put on some clothes before your nether-region catches a cold!

This visual and aural f*ckery must cease P R O N T O!

What are you trying to prove? We get it. You’re HOT! Scorchin’! A damn lava pit!
Now now…

Cover your camel toe!

You have a new album out soon, you may be single again already and now it’s time to be a nice young demure lady for  half a minute before you lose all your fans. Sure, we know how this story ends. Britney is still unfresh in our minds as one of the last poptrix America skanked out that soon tanked out. Do you want to end up like Britney? Because trust us, Miss Miley…

your head is far too large to be bald.

Help US….help ba7569c5-0dd4-4148-ad3b-8f6d644eb541_miley-cyrus-mankini-album-artwork-nearly-naked!

That is all.

An Open Letter to Kimye

kimye

Dear Kuntye,

It’s not that we don’t revel in this foolishness & f*ckery like the next person, but unlike some people that actually cheer the Kardashians on in this Hollywood whorin’, we are not accepting this lying down! Now that you’ve used the prayer and release method on Kim and God refused to answer the call Kanye, you are now about to be the father of one of the kraziest families in Tinseltown and why normally we would cry for people in your position, you’re such a snotty man that we can’t get behind that either.

It’s obvious from your body language you don’t want her, just that babything. If you marry her or even stay with her for longer than another year after it pops out we’d be shocked. You just wanted a baby to keep up with The Joneses (ie, Carters), and a Kardashian hole is always agapin’.

And how unhappy are you two? You go to the fashion event of the year and don’t even bother to call upon a stylist. Instead Kim, you run to grandma’s, steal her couch, and fashion it into a dress! Again, we cannot get behind this. Please, Kuntye, once that baby pops out, do us all a favor and go your separate ways. There’s only so much more of this we can take!

additional reporting: A. Neff. King

Kyss vs. Beyonce (An Open Letter)

Beyonce is not winning over everyone with her latest single Bitches Bow Down. In fact, after the release of the song, lots of women were up in arms. At CelebrityVIPLounge, we cover plenty of independent women from actors to fashion designers to singers. We get mail from across the board and this time we got a letter that delivered a verbal slap that we just had to reprint. So, without further adieu, we leave with you a letter for Beyonce. From one singer to another, Kysskyss-major-69 laments the alleged current queen of pop:

Is it just me or are other women also having a hard time swallowing Queen Bey’s new single Bitches Bow Down. I’m left to wonder how does the woman who once encouraged us to be surviving independent women go from that, to requesting we bow down to her superiority. With all the non-sensical trash being streamed through our airwaves, is there room for yet another groove that makes you move your ass instead of your mind?  Have we become so desensitized and entranced by the rhythms that the words are now null and void? It was bad enough when every rapper decided many of our first names should be changed to bitch. And when Tupac raised the question ‘you wonder why they call you bitch?’, who knew Beyonce would answer for us?! When such a role model as Beyonce can exploit the word in song telling us, her sisters, to bow down. I feel it’s time for alarms, bells ,and whistles to be rung. You’re only a queen in your own mind and who are you that we should now bow down? When in actuality not only as women but as a race we should be standing up! As a mother daily telling your own daughter she can be president. What signal are you sending to millions of other littles girls? As artists we need to begin taking responsibility for the moral breakdown of our youth. Beyonce, I like the beat, the groove is hard, but seriously bitch…go back to the drawing board. Lyrically, Bitches Bow Down is a failure and your fans expect more from you. Check out the remake to Bitches Bow Down… Sisters Stand Up!

What do you think VIPers? epic verbal slap or what? Our readers give good keyboard!

You can check out Kyss at the following sites:

http://www.kyssmajor.com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/kyssmajor
ReverbNation:  http://www.reverbnation.com/kyssmajor

An Open Letter To Kim Kardashian

Kim-Kardashian-Pregnant-Wearing-Tight-Green-Dress-and-Matching-Heels-Go-To-a-California-Studio--440x836Dear Kim:

Do you really think that just because you have finally….finally been granted a divorce from your second (yes, we have been counting, trick!) husband, that one of the most egotistical biggest stars in hip-hop is going to marry your asses?!

We’ll see about that!

Your bastard baby is gonna shoot out of your hole in a few months, but it’s doubtful that there will be any ring on that hand other than that tacky ass QVC shit you klan of k*nts shill to people crazy enough to buy it. Now, we all know you’ll change your story and say that you want to be back to your original size before you waddle down the aisle with Kanye West, but the truth is that you’re not sure he is going to marry you at all.

There’s not a back alley in this world that Mama Kris can finagle a wedding contract out of Kanye and you know it. The old adage may go ‘three time’s the charm’, but first, Kimmy?

First?

You’ve got to get to the third charm!

Save a Heaux: An Open Letter to Amanda Bynes

amandabynes2

You may have claimed to have retired from acting, but you certainly have not retired from drama. High drama. We’re not sure how high this drama is, but I would suggest you not to get a refill of that drug! As the new, slightly flushed face of WGW (White Girl Wasted), we’ve got to hand it to you. You’re going full throttle with the batsh*t cray cray!!

Move over Britney!

Papa’s got a brand new crackbag!

Bynes ran to her Twitter to tweet about her tw*t…

“I want Drake to murder my vagina,” she wrote.

That’s right, Amanda. Tell us how you really feel!

After video footage of Amanda being helped down the street by the paparazzi, that’s a sure sign that there is more f*ckery and madness to come! We’ve got a suggestion for you, Amanda.

Get a film crew to film this visual breakdown and collect a check!

Save a Heaux: An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Strawberry Snortcake,

Finally, after years of near hits and gaping misses, you have finally…finally been ordered into forced rehab! How many times have we written these open letters to you and they fall on deaf ears? No more delays, cancellations, plea deals, for this was the plea deal. Will they hear you crying and kicking and screaming in the abyss you are about to be put away in?

Computer says no!

Let’s see the tale of the tape, now shall we? You plead no contest to giving false information to a policeman, no contest to reckless driving too. And everyone knows that pleading no contest basically means you are lying, you just don’t want to admit the fact that you are in fact, doing just that. And the cherry on top? You’ve violated your probation. Oh no, Hohan. This time….this time? You’re going on lockdown! And let’s not forget the 30 days of community service and 18 months of probation. Who’s willing to place bets now that she breaks the conditions of that as well? So I guess that means we won’t be seeing a sequel to ‘Liz and Dick’ any time soon?!

People-Lindsay-Lohan-3Aw, shucks!

An Open Letter to Kim and Kanye

I remember those photos of you two leaving the restaurant the other day when K1 had a foul look on his face and K2 looked as if she was about to cry. Well, now I know why you both had such long faces.

There’s a baby in the oven. Or ass. Or wherever K2 plans on carrying your babything. Because Lord knows you are one of the few women out there that could birth an ass baby and have room to spare! This news is so fuxored I don’t even know where I should begin, but alas, I shall try.

First, Kanye, I’d like to slap you upside the face for basically quasi-legitimizing the Kardashian brand. Now that you’ve knocked her up, there’s no way of getting around it. You might have to wife the ho! And if your mother was still alive she’d be the first to tell you that no ho turns into a housewife. But not so fast! She’s gotta get officially divorced from her first second fake marriage before she can spread her gait down one with you.

And to Kim…
I’d like to congratulate you and your Fallopian tubes for finally making a way when there previously was no way. I guess someone finally let you in on a little secret: the sperm prefers the other tunnel! Your biological clock finally must be ticking loud enough for you to hear it over the flow of urine that has slapped you against the face for so many years. I called this pregnancy thousands of miles away. And astonishingly enough, I could tell from that distance you were in the family way, because you had that certain glow to you…

Or was it that Khroma bullshit you and your sisters peddle to any fool dumb enough to slather K-piss on themselves? Just when I thought you’d almost eeked out that 15th minute of fame, you brought your ASS game and proved me wrong. I will never underestimate that power of your nether-regions ever again.

Let’s see. Thrice married and barely in your thirties? At this rate, your ass and titties are gonna be counties away from your residential zip code in no time. And just like the last name you may or may not take soon…why don’t you head WEST, since that would lead you to the Pacific Ocean fairly quickly, where’d you’d inevitably drown. Whoops, my bad.

Silicone floats.

An Open Letter to Jennifer Lawrence

Dear Jennifer,

Before you read this, I want to stress to you: do not put that doughnut down and run to the toilet with a toothbrush! You are fine just the way you are.

Fuck these skinny Hollywood bitches!

Just because you made heads turn in The Hunger Games for being deemed to fat to portray Katniss, it doesn’t mean you should go out and listen to those Hollywood heavyweights (no pun intended) that don’t know a damn thing when it comes to women’s bodies. You are an Oscar nominee, future Oscar winner, and just like Meryl Streep before you, there’s nothing you need to follow when it comes to trends. You are the trend to follow.

Enter common sense.

Enter mental rehab.

Enter positivity.

Because I am a member of the weaker sex, and sometimes I think with my nether-region, but that does not mean I don’t have anything else to put on the table. So I say to you…hoist your lovely titty balls on the table, thrust your luscious, full thighs to the side and tell Hollyweird and the world…

“I am the new face of fat, which is thin, which is in…so suck on my thigh!”

You are 21, with real curves that a real woman should be admiring, not downplaying in lieu of skinny bitches like Kiera Knightley or any other trick in Hollywood that looks emaciated, dehydrated, and confused. You keep your size 8 and up and tell Hollywood to fuck off. You’re keeping your poundage for the long haul!